Awakening
by Eternally-Incomplete
Summary: This is my take on what happens after CATW. Steve is searching for Bucky everywhere but finds him at his doorstep one night.
1. Chapter 1

It has been almost one month since Steve started looking for Bucky. One month since he and Sam have been going from city to city, chasing any lead that they could find of where Bucky could have gone. As soon as he'd gotten out of the hospital, Steve had gone back near the shore where Sam, Natasha and Fury had found him unconscious. There was no doubt in his mind that Bucky had dragged him out that day, saved his life. He was sure he'd seen a hint of recognition in Bucky's eyes among all the confusion and anger. Something from the old Bucky underneath there somewhere. Whatever leads he had found were completely lost now. It's as though he had dissapeared from the face of the Earth, but that had never stopped Steve from searching before, even when Bucky's unit was captured and the chance of his survival was almost nonexistent._"You just don't know when to give it up do you?"_ Bucky had always said. And he was right Steve would never give up, especially not on Bucky. Sam had been more patient than Steve thought anyone could be. They'd known each other for such a short amount of time and yet here he was on this journey that anyone would call childish at this point. The problem was that a week ago they had lost any solid lead that they'd had. Now the places where they searched were mostly places where Steve thought that he might have gone which was ridiculous because Bucky didn't even know his own name. But still, Steve hoped that something inside him would be drawn to places where he had once known. Places they had gone to together when they were kids, their school which was still functioning, the creepy place under the bridge that Bucky had insisted needs investigating and had become a secret hangout spot, that pub they had managed to get into and sneak drinks when they were 13 and went to frequently when they were of legal age. The first time Bucky had gotten so drunk that Steve had had to take him to his place so his parents wouldn't see him. The park they always went to where Bucky had managed to get them both dates. Although the only reason a girl agreed to double date was because all the girls wanted to be near Bucky even if they had to hang out with his skinny friend. They even went to the house that Bucky had grown up in. It had different residents now of course. In fact their entire neighborhood was unrecognizable. What had looked like a slum in their time was now a rich neighborhood. The only sign that a boy called Bucky Barnes had lived there was a sign on the building that read:

**"Childhood home of Howling Commando, James Buchanan Barnes."**

Steve had a similar one on his own building. A few months after he'd been "resurrected" Steve had come to Brooklyn to see what was left of his home. There wasn't much that was left and whatever was left is where he now searched for Bucky. He knew what he was doing was ridiculous but it sure beat doing nothing, which was his only other choice, and that wasn't a choice at all. Stark was keeping an eye out for Bucky at Steve's request but even he with his many connections had no information to offer.

_"Lead in Mexico was no bueno. Will contact when there's news."_ It was the last message Steve had gotten from Stark and that was a week ago. So now all Steve had left was...well..nothing. Sam never complained, not once. Steve insisted for him to go home but he'd refused. He took every ridiculous idea that Steve had seriously and went right along with him.  
Maybe it was the gloomy weather that day or the amount of guilt Steve felt for dragging Sam along with him but that particular day Steve decided he needed to go home. Home being the apartment that was partially damaged due to the attack on Fury by none other then the winter soldier, the home that Steve had never felt particularly at home in anyway. But he wanted Sam to go back to his life and honesty, Steve was exhausted. There wasn't a second ever since he'd woken up in that hospital that he didn't wonder where Bucky could have gone. In only a few days Steve had found his best friend and managed to lose him again. _He's alive, _he told himself and that's all that really matters. After the shock of seeing Bucky of all people trying to kill him it had finally sunk in that he was alive. He had been alive all these years but could he really call that being alive? He'd seen the file. Every time Steve thought about the things that they'd probably done to Bucky it made him sick to his stomach. Prisoners of war always went through hell, he'd seen it himself numerous conditions that they'd find them in were unthinkable. But the most terrible part, Steve thought was that empty look in their eyes when they were freed. Like something was broken inside them that could never be fixed again. If those soldiers were so broken, He couldn't even begin to imagine what they had done to Bucky to make him literally lose his own identity. He thought about the nazis and hydras that him and his commandos had taken. _Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff. _He could here Fury's voice in his head. It was true and he couldn't deny it._ All is fair in love and war. _Was it really? Or was it just something that people said to help them sleep better at night? It sure never helped Steve.  
_I should have looked for him after he fell_, Steve thought for the billionth time in the last month. Had Bucky waited for him? Had he hoped he'd be rescued? Had he felt betrayed when not one of his fellow commandos came to his rescue? Not even Steve who he had considered a brother all his life. Steve could cry just thinking about that. Letting Bucky down was one of his biggest nightmare, always had been. And he'd let him down alright. Where was he now? Was he lost? Did he have any place to stay? And the most terrifying question he could think of was did they capture him again? Or maybe he went back to them. Was hydra completely gone now? It felt too unrealistic for Steve to believe that. Bucky had recognized him, Steve was sure. What if they made him forget again? _What if they killed him?_  
That last thought never led anywhere good so Steve did his best to push it back. He got off the couch and poured himself a glass of wine. This was pointless really, however much he drank it didn't seem to affect him. It was a birthday gift from Stark with a note saying

_"Finally found something that's older than you." _

It made him smile but feel envious of Tony for not only his ability to laugh in the face of life but of having the ability to get drunk. He sat back down on the couch and turned on the record player. Music was his best and only escape. It made him feel, for a few minutes at least, like he was home in Brooklyn, it was 1935 and his mom was in the kitchen making apple pie, the best pie in Brooklyn only second to Mrs. Barnes's pie. Her's was a delicacy that could not be compared to anything. Bucky always made sure to save some for Steve or bring it to his house if Steve was too sick to go. Bucky, the light hearted, cocky kid who chased after girls and got along with everyone almost and yet to everyone's surprise chose that skinny weird kid called Steve as his best friend. Bucky who was almost always smiling for no apparent reason except for the sake of it. Bucky who would sit by Steve's bedside and make jokes to distract him from his sickness. Bucky who always seemed to be happy. There were moments though, Steve remembered, when he would become serious and thoughtful and wise. Like when Steve would have an asthma attack or get beat up. He'd make a joke out of it but he'd would be angry deep down.  
Steve wondered if he'd ever see Bucky smile so carelessly again. If he was being honest with himself, he hadn't seen Bucky smile like that since he left to war. When Steve had found him tied to a table in that hydra base in 42, Bucky was already changed. He'd never admit it or share it with Steve, but Steve knew. He'd smile like usual and poke fun at Steve's costume but there were moments when Steve would catch him quiet and lost in thought, staring at nothing in particular. He'd try talking to him but Bucky would brush it aside with a joke or "I'm just tired." He would stay silent for days at times and isolate himself, the same Bucky who had always liked being in the center of attention. He had trouble sleeping too after that.

It would be much worse now Steve thought. The first time he'd read the file, he had a hard time believing that it had anything to do with Bucky Barnes, that same kid he'd grown up with in Brooklyn, whose mom made the best pies in the world, the same guy he spent almost everyday of his life with doing normal things, going to school, going to the movies, talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up. When did life become so serious? When exactly did the back alley become a battlefield? Was this really happening to them? Two poor kids from Brooklyn who had the misfortune of living in a time of war.

Steve was bewildered. But then anger kicked in and he wanted more than anything to make the people who'd done this to Bucky pay. He wished Zola was alive so he could kill him himself. He knew that Bucky wouldn't be the same, even worse then during the war but he'd take traumatized Bucky over a mindless soldier any day. Whatever baggage he came with, Steve was more than ready to deal with, only if he could find him. He decided he would go back to the crash scene again tomorrow but not take Sam with him. Steve leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. If he continued to think for another minute his head would explode. The music was still playing. 'A_ncient' _Natasha had called it jokingly.

_It's 1938 and Steve and Bucky _are_ setting the table. It's Christmas day and Mrs. Barnes is in the kitchen making her usual pie. She smiles at Steve, a sweet reassuring smile of "I'm glad you're here." It's the first Christmas since Steve's mom died and he was _

_invited to Bucky's. His family's gone but he still has Bucky. He always has Bucky. Mrs. Barnes smiles at Steve-_

_It's 1944 and Steve's at Bucky's doorstep with Mrs. Barnes but _she's_ not smiling anymore. "But he was with you" she says through tears_

_and silent pleads. "I'm sorry" Steve thinks but doesn't find the courage to say it out loud. It's 1944 and Mrs. Barnes will never smile again._

_It's__1944__and__Bucky'_s_gone._

_It's 2014 and Bucky's eyes are empty. "Who the hell is Bucky?"_

Steve wakes up abruptly to the sound of soft knocking on the door. If his hearing wasn't so sharp he wouldn't have heard it over the sound of the rain pouring outside. The record has reached it's end and is not playing anymore music. He takes the needle off and gets up to open the door. It's 2:00am and Steve wonders who it can possibly be. Who even knows that he's here? It must be Sam checking up on him. Or maybe he has news about Bucky, Steve thinks but doesn't believe himself. He walks to the door and opens it expecting to see Sam but instead finds_ Bucky._

**Hey guys so I know that they don't really mention Steve going to Brooklyn after Bucky's death but I'm assuming in this fic he goes back for a short time to take the news to his loved one in person. **


	2. Chapter 2

Steve wasn't sure how long he had been frozen in place in front of the door. Bucky looked...okay. To Steve's surprise, his hair was short again almost like it used to be back in 43. He looked so much like his old self again that for a minute Steve almost forgot that 70 years had passed. For the world, that is. To Steve it had only been a little over 2 years. It felt as though Bucky had only been away for a short while and here he was again back from his trip. Steve was tempted to pull him into a hug and ask him what had taken him so long but one look into his eyes and the illusion was lost. These weren't the happy go lucky eyes of his childhood nor were they the wiser and sadder eyes if his youth. Bucky's eyes were hollow and lost...dead, Steve thought with dread. One look into his eyes and Steve was reminded that while he had been sleeping in sweet oblivion, his best friend had been to hell and back.

"Hey," Bucky finally said after a full minute of awkward Silence.

"Hey Buck..." Steve was dumbfounded. He literally could not think of one thing to say. He'd spent a month thinking about what he would say to Bucky when he finally found him. All the ways he could approach him and talk to him and here he was at his doorway and Steve was going blank. Bucky turned his gaze and started looking anywhere except at Steve. "You mind if I come in?" He shuffled around for a while clearly feeling uncomfortable. Bucky's here and he's not trying to kill you. He's talking to you he wants to come inside. Steve couldn't believe it.

Bucky finally met his gaze and there was suddenly a look of confusion and anger in his eyes. "Never mind, I should go," he said way too quickly and turned around to leave.

"No!" Steve almost shouted. "I mean yeah of course...course you can come in." Bucky looked like he might make a run for it any minute, looking around anxiously then back at Steve. Steve mentally kicked himself for responding so late. "Sorry it's just...you surprised me that's all. Please come in...I'd really like it if you would come in." Steve was tempted to grab him and lock the door so he wouldn't leave again. As if that one step inside would solve all the problems. He'd be there with Steve where he'd be able to protect him. There in the safety of his apartment. Bucky looked at Steve again unsure of what to do. Steve gave him a reassuring nod, too scared to make any unnecessary movement that might drive him away. Bucky slowly came inside. He stood in the middle of the living room with his hands in his pockets, not knowing what to do. Truth was Steve felt the same way. It would almost be funny being in the same room with Bucky and acting like complete strangers if it wasn't so tragic. Steve felt like any minute now Bucky would burst out laughing and making fun of Steve for being so gullible and falling for his joke. But Bucky wasn't laughing.

"Wanna sit down?" Steve asked pointing to the couch. Bucky looked at him for a minute and sat down without saying anything, the internal struggle obvious in his expression. Steve sat down on the armchair on the opposite side. "I've been looking for you buck"

"I know" Bucky said quietly not really meeting Steve's gaze. He looked tired and...lost, that was the best way to put it. Steve had been so shocked and happy to see him that he hadn't noticed the bags under his eyes or his disheveled appearance. He remembered how much Bucky used to care about his appearance, always at his best no matter what. "If I'm gonna starve might as well look good doing it, Steven" he'd say every time Steve would make fun of him for it. Steve suddenly felt so angry he wanted to find every hydra in the world and destroy them for what they'd done. There'll be time for that, Steve thought bitterly. What was important now was that Bucky was here, alive. "You want something to drink?" Steve asked with as much of a cheerful tone as he could manage. Bucky didn't answer. Steve wasn't even sure he'd heard him. "I'll get some water," he said and started walking towards the jug of water he always kept nearby, it reminded him of home.

"I know you," Bucky suddenly said looking up.

"Yeah, you do," Steve said pouring water into two glasses. He set one glass on the table in front of Bucky and sat back down. "I know you...but I don't remember you," Bucky said not shifting his gaze from Steve this time as if silently pleading for an answer, a solution. There was so much frustration in that second part of his sentence that it hurt Steve just hearing it.

"It's okay," Steve said reassuringly. Bucky suddenly got up and walked towards the window, stopping near the record player.

"What happened here?" he asked looking at the damage from Fury's shooting. Steve was taken aback for a minute. Bucky didn't remember...any of it. He felt a little dizzy suddenly remembering the file and how it is exactly that they achieved this state of amnesia. He wouldn't be a threat if he didn't remember any of the crimes he committed. "The ultimate weapon," it had said. That's how they referred to him in the file, the weapon or the asset.

"it's a ehh...it was sort of like that when I moved in. The previous residents probably had an accident or something," Steve said, trying to keep his voice as steady as he could. He could hear his own heart beating. "I'll get it taken care of soon though." That damage wasn't the only thing he would take care of. Steve promised to himself for the hundredth time that he wouldn't rest until the world was rid of hydra.

"I went to the Smithsonian," Bucky said after a few minutes.

"Yeah?" Steve said with a smile.

"Yeah," Bucky said sitting back down. Bucky was his mission right now, Steve thought. Hydra would wait. Bucky looked tired and worn out and sad and that needed to be taken care of.

"You hungry?" Steve said with his most cheeriest of tones. The tone Bucky would always use after Steve would get beat up. The tone that meant, everything's gonna be okay.

"What?" Bucky asked, surprised by Steve's sudden enthusiasm.

"You hungry? Cus man, I'm starving and I was thinking of making something to eat." Bucky looked like Steve had just asked him what the meaning of life was. "Yeah?" Steve asked again with an even bigger smile. Bucky looked even more confused for a minute, like he wasn't used to people asking him if he was hungry or not. They probably didn't, Steve thought bitterly. Then Bucky slowly nodded, suddenly looking many years younger.

"Okay...don't go anywhere," Steve said and left for the kitchen.

He made a few sandwiches and took a bowl of chips and some chocolate bars for Bucky to try. Had Bucky ever tried these? They sure didn't have much of that growing up. He thought about making something from scratch but that would take a while and he didn't want to leave Bucky alone for too long. When he went back to the living room, Bucky was exactly where Steve had left him but with his head leaning back on the back of the couch, fast asleep. Steve hadn't seen Bucky this peaceful since...well since before he died. He quietly put the food on the table. Bucky didn't look too comfortable but Steve didn't dare wake him up. He got a blanket from his bedroom and carefully covered Bucky with it. He shifted for a second but to Steve's relief he didn't wake up. Steve silently sat back down on the armchair. He was pretty sure he wouldn't be sleeping tonight


	3. Chapter 3

When Bucky woke up it took him a minute to remember where he was. He pushed the blanket off of him and tried to focus his eyes fully. According to the clock on Steve's wall it was 12:30 PM and Bucky couldn't remember ever sleeping that long. He felt a sort of relaxation that was so alien to him that he wondered if there was something wrong with him. Sleeping had proved to be a challenge ever since he'd decided not to go back to hydra. He couldn't recall ever willingly falling asleep but then he couldn't recall a lot of things. One of those things was eating when he was hungry. It had taken him a few days to realize that he needed to eat in order to survive. He couldn't remember eating but the process was somehow familiar to him, like most things were.

He hadn't planned on sleeping here. In fact, he hadn't planned on coming here in the first place. He had been avoiding Steve and his flying friend for a while now. It wasn't hard hiding from them. Being invisible was the winter soldier's specialty but he wasn't sure he wanted to be the winter soldier anymore. Something was happening to him. Something inside him had awoken and was trying to break free. It was nagging at him and demanding something that he couldn't understand. He'd began asking questions, wondering about things that had never crossed his mind before. Or at least he couldn't remember doing so. Questions like who was he?...or what was he, kept clouding his mind. Was he born to serve hydra? Did he have a right to do anything other than that? Was he ever small like the children that he saw around him? Or had he always been a weapon? An asset who was meant to be guided and used by others. That's what he'd always been thought but then he'd never considered the meaning of his life before. Hydra wouldn't be happy about him thinking so much. Questioning anything would surely mean punishment but he'd decided that he didn't want to be punished anymore, so he hadn't gone back. He found that he didn't like having too many thought because they were always accompanied by dizziness and headaches. Maybe he wasn't meant to question things but seeing Steve had awoken a feeling in him that made the thought of going back to hydra, of having his memories forcefully stolen from him more painful than any punishment that he could think of. The word _hope_ came to mind. He didn't know what it meant but it made his eyes water. Not the way punishment or electrical currents going through his head did, this was different.

_Tears of joy_, he thought without understanding. He was tired of not understanding. Steve seemed to understand so he'd come to him.

He shook his head involuntarily to clear his thoughts and walked towards the mirror that was hanging on Steve's wall. Seeing his reflection in the mirror was strange. It was as strange as seeing the same image plastered all over the walls of a museum. He'd lost count of the number of times he'd gone to the museum exhibit. He kept going every time in hopes of finding some relief but that was the last thing that he found. The man in the pictures looked alive, had purpose. _A national hero_, it had said. He'd done everything he could to look like Bucky Barnes. Getting his hair cut in the barbershop was an experience he never wanted to have again. He wasn't sure who had been more terrified, the woman attempting to cut his hair or he himself. Looking like Bucky didn't change anything. The more he looked at the man's image the more he felt like he was being mocked. James Buchanan Barnes had a past, he had had a family, a home, and friends. The winter soldier did not have any of those things so how could he be this man? The winter soldier only had one thing, a mission. He couldn't survive without one so he had made it his mission to find James. Truth was, Steve was the only connection he had to James Buchanan Barnes. Steve felt like home, wherever or whatever that was. He had awoken in him an idea that refused to leave him alone. That maybe there was someplace in this world where he would be accepted other than hydra. Steve made him feel like he really could be James Barnes and man did he want to be him.

But he had tried to kill Steve, so why would he help him now? He was in the kitchen now doing something and Bucky wondered again what his intentions were. He had seemed happy to see him last night but Bucky wasn't sure he would want him to stay now.

_Maybe it was an act_

_Maybe he wants to punish you too_

_People can't be trusted_

Was it hydra thinking those thoughts or was it Bucky?

"Morning," Steve said walking out of the kitchen. "Sleep well?"

"I should go," Bucky said walking towards the door.

"You should have breakfast first, at least," Steve said but Bucky didn't stop.

"Bucky stay...please," he heard Steve say in a way that made Bucky stop. There was a sincerity in his tone that Bucky hand never heard before, at least not directed towards him. "You're hungry right?"

"Starving," Bucky said before he could stop himself. This brought the biggest smile to Steve's face. "Man that's good cus I made way too much stuff."

Too much stuff was an understatement. Steve had practically set out and prepared everything he could find in his fridge. It was the most beautiful looking table Bucky had ever seen...or maybe it was the first, he wasn't too sure.

To Steve's surprise, Bucky started eating with the utmost attention and almost childish delight. Steve thought he might have caught him smiling for a second but he couldn't be sure. "It was weird getting used to this much food, we didn't have this much growing up you know...definitely not during the war," Steve said taking a sip from his coffee. "I mean we mostly ate potatoes and beans and other boiled stuff..." Steve went on talking about the many delicacies that they didn't have before which had become common household foods nowadays. Bucky had no idea what he was talking about but it felt nice to have someone simply talking to him rather than giving him orders or demanding a mission report. Actually responding was something he had yet to learn so he just kept quiet. Steve didn't seem to mind though and just kept on chatting away. "Try the peanut butter, it's good." Bucky was more than happy to try everything. Steve apologized for burning the bacon but as far as Bucky was concerned it was the best breakfast he had ever had. Or maybe It was because he couldn't remember anything to compare it to. He thinks he ate a lot mostly because he didn't know when he was supposed to stop exactly. Steve wasn't eating though and was looking at him, lost in thought, with a smile on his face. It made Bucky feel a little uncomfortable.

"You're not eating?" He asked through mouthfuls.

"Hm oh yeah I am I am don't worry," Steve said coming out of his trance and putting a few pieces of bacon in his plate.

For a minute it felt like it was 1930. They were having breakfast at Steve's house and any minute now they'd have to head to school. For the first time in a long time, Steve felt content.


	4. Chapter 4

**Rosie44: oops thanks for the correction :)**

"Big apartment huh?" Steve says while giving Bucky a little tour. He still has a hard time dealing with the size himself. It's a luxury compared to where they used to live. "This is the guest room, all yours now," Steve opens the door to the room, gesturing Bucky to walk in but he doesn't move. He follows only after Steve walks in. "You like it?" Steve asks with a smile. Bucky just looks around curiously and doesn't really answer. In fact, he's barely said anything at all in the last couple of hours. "There's the bathroom, you can shower if you want...you're gonna need some clothes though, come on," Steve says leading him to his own room. He opens his closet and picks a few things from his own clothes. "Which color do you want?" Steve asks showing him a few of his T-shirts. It sounds silly but it feels exciting to have his best friend back and providing him a shirt he'll like seems like the least he can do. Bucky just shrugs and doesn't choose. Being offered choices seems to make him extremely uncomfortable. Steve decides not to push it and just chooses one himself. He gets a towel and everything else he'll need for a shower.  
"Why are you doing this?" Bucky asks suddenly.  
"You don't have to take shower if you don't want to..."  
"I mean why are you helping me?"  
"Because you're my -"  
"Friend...right," Bucky finishes slowly nodding his head.  
"Come on," Steve says walking towards the door and this time Bucky follows.  
"You gonna be okay on your own?" Steve asks after showing him how to use the handles. Bucky nods. He takes a pretty long time in the shower but then he probably hasn't showered in quite some time, Steve thinks. He's about to check if everything's okay when Bucky walks out, looking a little more refreshed than before. The clothes seem to fit okay but Steve decides he'll go buy him some new ones soon.  
"Hey Buck, I'm gonna make a quick phone call," Steve says. "You can watch some TV if you want...it's in color now by the way," he says turning it on. "I'll be right here, okay?"  
Bucky looks unsure for a minute but says, "okay."  
Bucky doesn't trust him, Steve can tell but he feels obligated to at least tell Sam that he's found Bucky...or rather that Bucky found him. He steps out into the hallway and calls Sam.  
"You're telling me he knew we were looking for him all this time and he actually managed to avoid us?"  
"Apparently yeah"  
"Man he's good..."  
"Yeah," Steve really wants to introduce them. Sam's a smart guy and he's dealt with loads of people who've been though trauma and Steve think he could help Bucky too. He decides against it though because Bucky's pretty tense, even around him and Steve's not sure how he'd react to Sam.  
"Yeah man, no need to explain," Sam says before Steve can finish. In fact he seems to understand Bucky's situation pretty well. "Just make sure to give him space," he says, "and take things slow."  
"Right...and Sam?" Steve says before turning off the phone, " thank you...for everything."  
"Call me if you need anything."  
He keeps the conversation as short as he can, not wanting to leave Bucky alone for too long. He half expects to find him gone through the window but when he goes back inside, Bucky is flipping through his records, completely ignoring the TV. Steve barely turns that thing on himself, only watching the news occasionally.

It makes him smile a little. Maybe the records feel more familiar to him. Maybe the old Bucky really is in there.  
"Sorry, had to call a friend."  
"The guy with the wings?" Bucky asks looking over.  
"Yeah that's the one...maybe I could introduce you sometime." Steve says cautiously.  
"I tried to kill him..."  
"He doesn't mind, I mean...he knows it wasn't really you." Bucky doesn't say anything to that and goes back to flipping through the records.  
"Is this what we listened to?" He asks after a minute of silence, "back in our time?"  
"Yeah mostly," Steve says happy to see Bucky interested in his past. "I've been trying to listen to new stuff too but...sometimes it's just not the same."  
"Did he like music? I mean...did I like music?"  
Steve can't help but cringe a little inside. Bucky doesn't see himself as Bucky. _Not__ye__t_, he tells himself. That can change.  
"Oh yeah, you loved music...and dancing."  
Bucky gives him a surprised look, raising his eyebrows.  
"I'm serious you did," Steve says with a laugh. "You'd drag me with you too, even though I couldn't dance to save my life." Bucky looks away with an expression Steve can't quite read. "I don't remember any of that." There's a hint of anger in his tone. This is exactly what Steve had been trying to avoid. It's the reason he didn't want to get carried away talking about the past, telling him about his life. He didn't want to overwhelm Bucky. Take it slow, like Sam said. "That's okay," Steve says, putting a hand on his shoulder. Bucky tenses up suddenly, obviously taken aback by the contact. Steve immediately moved his hand. Another thing he'd make sure not to do again, no sudden movements or contact.  
"Wanna play one?" Steve asks breaking the ice. "Here, you used to like this one."

Bucky watches the record spin for a while, fascinated or rather calmed by it, then sits down on the sofa nearby. Steve sits down too, studying him. Bucky looks lost in thought, his eyebrows furrowed like he's trying to decide something but not knowing what to do.

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you," he says quietly.

"It's okay."

"I don't want to have any more missions," Bucky says with a shaky voice, this time looking Steve in the eyes.

"You don't have to," he says firmly, "you're free now."

Bucky leans back on the sofa, taking it all in. Steve's words seem to have shocked him and he's having a hard time comprehending it. It's the first time Steve has seen so much emotion on his face since the helicarrier.

"I wanna remember who I am," he says after a minute.

"Okay," Steve says. They sit quietly again for what seems like a long time, just listening to the music. Steve realizes that, for the first time since waking up from the ice, he feels like he belongs in the moment.

"I remember things sometimes," Bucky says, breaking the silence again. "they're always hazy...other times they slip away all together."

"You're allergic to strawberries," he adds before Steve can think of a response.

"Yeah I am," Steve says with a laugh, "or I was before-"

"Before the serum," Bucky finishes for him.

"Yeah."

"Did I get the serum too?" Bucky asks. Steve's heart starts beating so fast he thinks it might burst out any second. He hadn't thought about this. He was so caught up on finding him that he hadn't considered the fact that he would have to reveal the grim parts of Bucky's past to him, whether he wanted to or not. How was he supposed to explain to him that he'd been experimented on against his will while he was captured in a HYDRA prison camp while Steve willingly chose the serum and was praised as a national icon for it? There's no easy way of saying that.

"Something like that," Steve says shortly, feeling like a complete coward. To Steve's relief he doesn't push it any further. Maybe he's afraid of knowing too, Steve thinks.

Bucky doesn't ask anymore questions that day.


	5. Chapter 5

"Aliens?" Bucky says with disbelief, "from outer space?"

"Yup, wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen them myself." It's around 9 in the evening and they're sitting in front of the TV eating pizza. Some movie or show is playing but neither of them are paying much attention to it. It's mostly just background noise. Bucky seems to likes movies a lot, though. More then he had before, Steve notices. He watches them with the utmost attention and concentration, completely absorbed in the story. Steve has notices that Bucky has a hard time deciphering people's expressions and the emotions that cause them. Sometimes he asks questions about why the characters are acting the way they are and what some of the words they say mean. Steve doesn't mind at all even if he has to answer his questions after every other scene. Anything that will get him talking is worth it and talking is something that Bucky doesn't do often. In fact there are days when he doesn't utter one word. Steve hates those days the most, maybe second to when he has nightmare. He seems to have nightmares every night now, though. He didn't in the beginning. He wouldn't get much sleep back then either but the nights were relatively more peaceful. But the more he started to remember things, the more his programmed mind was triggered, the more the nightmares would increase. The more he acted like his old self the more he would wake up in the middle of the night panting, screaming and trying to get free from straps that weren't there. The closer he got to being himself again, the more miserable he was and Steve couldn't think of a crueler irony.

The flashbacks took a lot out of him too. He'd remember a ton of things all at the same time sometimes and by the time they were over he'd be so tired and run out he wouldn't be able to speak much less reminisce with Steve about them. There would be days when he acted a lot like the old Bucky, and recovery would seem closer to Steve than ever. But then there would be the days where he would go back to not talking at all. He would become close to unresponsive sometimes, the same person who a few years ago had been so very talkative all the time. _But it hasn't been a few years_, Steve reminds himself on a daily basis, _and recovery takes time._

"This Loki guys sounds like a real jackass," Bucky says taking a bite off his pizza.

"Oh he was," Steve says, "his brother's pretty decent though."

"You're friends with an demi-god huh..?"

"I guess so, yeah," Steve says with a laugh.

"Did we used to go to church before?" Bucky asks after a minute of silence.

"Yeah...both our moms were pretty religious so we'd be in church almost every Sunday," Steve explains. "You kinda hated it though, couldn't sit still for too long."

They were quiet for a while and Steve could see Bucky fall back into his thoughts again. His eyes were a bit hollow and his eyebrows furrowed, he was trying to remember something but couldn't quite find it. Steve had learned the meaning behind almost all of his expressions by now.

"Bucky where are you?" Steve says after another minutes of silence.

"What was she like?" Bucky asks quietly.

Steve doesn't have to ask who Bucky is talking about.

"She was great," Steve says, feeling the same pang of guilt he always feels every time he remembers Mrs. Barnes. "She was real great." That doesn't seem to be enough for Bucky, so Steve continues.

"She was kind and beautiful...and...and she made the most delicious pies in the entire world."

Bucky looks at him with a half smile.

"I'm not kidding, I don't know how she did it but they were amazing," Steve went on. He could remember the last time he ate that pie, it felt like only a short while ago. They'd been sitting in her kitchen, while Bucky was telling him about the girl he'd met a few days ago._ Lucy? __Leslie__? _The memory was so fresh in his mind that he could practically taste the pie and see the excitement in Bucky's eyes about his date later that day. It was before Pearl Harbor, before Uncle Sam became a familiar face and before either of them had seen anything close to a battlefield.

Bucky is silent again and has a lost expression on his face. "It'll come back, Buck, just give it some time," Steve says giving his shoulder a little squeeze. Bucky doesn't shudder away from him as much anymore. At least not always.

"Yeah," Bucky said taking a sip of water. He's looking at the dent on the wall again. A remnant of another type of day that Bucky occasionally has. Sometimes the flashbacks, especially ones of his time with Hydra, put him on edge so much that he lashes out on anyone who's unlucky enough to be around him, that someone mostly being Steve. He doesn't mean to attack Steve in particular. In fact, he isn't even aware of what he's doing until it's all over, and the terrified realization on his face hurts Steve more than any of the punches. Those are Bucky's least favorite days. Steve tell him over and over again that he isn't angry with him, but he still continued to feel guilty.  
Sam has become the greatest help that Steve could ever ask for. His presence made Bucky uncomfortable in the beginning. He was weary and didn't trust him. He still doesn't necessarily trust him, Steve thinks. In fact he doesn't trust anyone or anything except maybe Steve. Yet he's become used to Sam and seems to actually enjoy his presence. Sometimes, when Bucky has bad days, Sam knows how to handle them better than Steve and Steve appreciated his willingness to help more than he can express.  
They occasionally go running, sometimes all three of them, sometimes just Steve and Bucky. Bucky enjoys running a lot. It calms him down a lot, gives him a release. He runs for hours sometimes, going much faster than Sam and Steve. Steve can catch up if he wants to but he can tell that Bucky wants to be alone at times and Steve gives him his space.  
Then, sometimes, there are days like this when they sit in front of the TV and talk and not do much of anything. These are Steve's favorite type of days and he thinks they're Bucky's too.  
A few hours later, Bucky is asleep on the couch so Steve starts quietly cleaning up. He doesn't wake Bucky up to go to his bed. He barely gets any sleep there anyway. On a good night he'll manage to sleep a solid 2 hours that usually end with him waking up from a bad dream. Or memory, Steve isn't sure which. Most of the sleep he gets is throughout the day when he'll be so tired that he can no longer physically stay conscious so he'll just dose off wherever he is. So Steve appreciates the small amounts of sleep that he does get, even if it's not in a bed.  
Most nights he's awake though. Steve can hear him pacing around the house sometimes but restrains himself from going to him every time. Bucky hates being babysat. _More__like__the__old__Bucky__than__he__know__s__,_ Steve thinks. He's definitely as stubborn as he was before. Bucky hates nights. Steve does too. He's hated them ever since he woke up from the ice and he hates them even more now.  
He takes the empty pizza boxes into the kitchen but leaves the plates where they are, not wanting to make too much noise. Bucky's hearing is as good as his. About 20 minutes later Steve is about to go to bed himself when he noticed Bucky shifting in his sleep. At first he think he might be just be changing positions but his movements become more desperate and soon he's breathing fast and mumbling something under his breath. Steve notices the furrows in his brows as he walks towards him and he knows he's about to scream.  
"Bucky wake up," Steve says without touching him at first, that never ends well. "Hey, it's just a dream, wake up." The pained look on Bucky's face becomes to much so Steve shakes him lightly. Bucky gasps awake suddenly and the next thing Steve knows he's pinned on the ground with Bucky closing his airway with his forearm.  
"Bucky it's me, it's Steve!" He says through shallow breaths, the dark room starting to darken even more around his eyes. "Buck..."  
Bucky suddenly sits back on the ground against the couch with a horrified look in his eyes.  
"Steve?"  
"Yeah it's me, it's okay," Steve says catching his breath and sitting up to face him.  
"Steve," Bucky says again more to himself than to Steve. He still looks disoriented and keeps looking down at his wrists like there should be something there.  
"There's nothing there Buck, see?" Steve says. "You're at home, everything's okay."  
"Steve," Bucky says again, like he's trying to reassure himself of where he is. It always takes him a few minutes to come back to reality so Steve waits.  
"Sorry," Bucky says quietly.  
"You don't have to apologize to me," Steve says immediately.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asks after a minute.  
Bucky shakes his head no. He never does. In fact, the only way that Steve ever knows what's going on in Bucky's head is from the things he overhears him saying in his sleep or from the few things he accidentally lets slip when it all gets too much. Yet Bucky doesn't tell him to go back to bed and that he's fine like he always does so Steve figures this must have been a bad one.  
They sit in the dark, silently for what seems to Steve like forever. Sometimes the best that Steve can do is just stay with him without saying a word and hope that he's of some help.  
"I think I was awake," Bucky says, finally breaking the silence.  
"What?"  
"When I fell," he continues quietly. "I remember watching the train leave...I felt like I should be on it for some reason but I couldn't remember why."His eyebrows are furrowed like he's trying really hard to remember something. "Then I was waiting for something...I didn't know what though cus everything was slipping away before I could make sense of it."  
If Steve didn't know better, he'd think he was on the verge of having an asthma attack. He felt like someone had punched him really hard in the gut and he'd forgotten how to breath.

"I think I might have hit my head cus I couldn't remember anything..." Bucky went on like he was talking more to himself than to Steve. "There was a lot of blood so I figured it must of been a big fall..." He says, matter-of-factly. "Everything else was so white though...kind of beautiful. And then I heard a few voices." Steve thinks he might actually have an asthma attack if Bucky continued talking. "But they weren't speaking in English which i found weird for some reason," Bucky says, this time turning to face Steve. Whatever expression Steve had on his face made Bucky stop talking immediately. Steve took a deep breath he hadn't realized he was holding, the liquid dropping from his eye before he had time to stop it.

"Did I say something wrong?" Bucky says looking really confused and horrified at the same time.

"No! no it's okay...you didn't say anything wrong," Steve said, pulling himself together and wiping at his eyes.

"I didn't mean-" Bucky starts saying.

"No it's okay really, you didn't do anything wrong...I'm sorry," Steve says.

Bucky still looks confused. "I'm not...it's not you're fault, I wasn't-"

"I know," Steve says, "I know." Steve wanted to apologize, wanted to beg for Bucky's forgiveness. Wanted to explain to him that it _was_ his fault. That everything that happened to him was his fault. That he had let him down. That he had let him down during the only time that Bucky had needed saving for a change. He wanted to shake Bucky by the shoulders and explain to him that if he remembered everything, he wouldn't ever forgive him. But all that came out of his mouth was a soft I'm sorry that made Bucky look at him with a confused and apologetic expression.

"I wasn't blaming you," he says again.

"I know." _You would if you remembered everything. _

Bucky doesn't say anything after that. They sit that way for what seems like hours until Bucky starts slowly drifting back to sleep, he looks exhausted. "You should go to bed, Steve," he says quietly. It's obvious he doesn't really want Steve to leave. Steve could always read his expressions without Bucky needing to say anything. Like all best friends do. He has started to learn this new Bucky's expressions too, and he definitely doesn't want to be alone right now. He'd never admit it, of course. Bucky's pride would never let him, and that's something that's stayed with him all these years. "I will...later," Steve says. He doesn't leave. He watches the darkness change to light, the sun slowly coming in through the window. He doesn't sleep.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! Thanks so much for the reviews. I love reading them so keep 'em coming. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :)


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